Friday Dec 17, 2010

I don't know why, but I'm sad today.  My heart is sad...I guess that is better clarification for what I mean.  I really miss my mom today.  I'm not sure how to answer the "What are you doing for Christmas" question.  I guess its common for people to know their Christmas plans by now.  I mean, I guess I have an idea of what I will be doing on Christmas: breakfast with Shannon, hang out with mom, maybe make a wreath with her...I've been trying to do that one all month, but every time I go there to do that with her, she is not in the mood to participate.  Which is fine...you learn with this disease, that when you go to see your loved one, you take a project or something to do, but keep the expectation low.  It may be a really bad day for her...or it may be an amazing day for her.
I catch myself wondering if the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) will always be this hard.  Does it really help me - help my soul to listen to songs about the holidays and being with family or going home - only to remember that a significant part of my family is no longer there?  To listen to songs about going home or about being home for Christmas only to remember that I don't really have a "home" to go to...a "family" to go to.  (Besides my home and my sister...but nothing where I grew up - if that makes any sense.  I am truly thankful to have my sister.)  
I don't want to grow bitter that I don't have a "home" or a "family" to go to anymore.  I always want to be and truly think I am very happy for those who have "homes" and "families" to go to for the holidays. I think that if I ever get that in my life again, I will see what a true blessing and gift that is...something to be thankful for...I think I would see it more as a gift and not feel entitled to it.
Among these thoughts, I am reminded that I'm not supposed to be at "home" here because this is not my home.  My home is with the Lord...He will take me there one day - but for now - He is with me.  He knows my desires...He knows my pain right now.  In this moment He knows that I hurt and He cares about my hurt.
I find that to be a beautiful place to rest.  It doesn't take away the pain or the sting of the pain - it is all very real - but it is comforting.
I'm quickly reminded that this season - this holiday - Christmas is not about family or Christmas plans - rather it is in celebrating that for thousands of years, people were waiting on the promised Messiah - to come to the world...to deliver them from oppression...I imagine waiting in anticipation, frustration, joy, hope....and HE CAME.  Born as a baby, in a manger, in Bethlehem, He came to save his people.
May that help me to put my "family" issue into perspective.  Not to ignore, discredit, or minimize the pain.  The pain is very real...as are the fears...and I think it is appropriate to grieve well with that.  However, I want to seek to always remember that while family is great and should seek to be together for the holidays...this holiday is celebrating the beautiful reality that Emmanuel has come.  He has come to save His people.

Thoughts on My Last Night in Mom's House

This is weird.  I don’t like being here without mom.  I don’t like coming in the front door, and not seeing her greet me.  I don’t like looking around and seeing the house where she thought she would one day have grandchildren roaming around on weekends – only for her to not be here or see that lived out.  I don’t like the house being bare.  Dec 2, 2010

Tomorrow morning, Dec 8, 2010, a new family will call this place home.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I'm grateful for the Lord's provision: for us, a quick sell (the house was only on MLS one day and we received two offers), no more mortgage payments, no more utility bills.  No more checking on the house/keeping up with it.  A huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.  For the new family, a great house, wonderful neighbors (who really care about each other), a place to live their life.  

I'm sad.  We signed the documents  on Dec 7, 2010, mom's 57th birthday.  Upon getting back into town, we went to see her for her birthday, only to find out she had been crying earlier in the morning for no apparent reason.  The caregivers think it is because she knows it is her birthday...I can't help but wonder if it is because she somehow knows that we have sold her house and the seller side of the documents were signed.  

I don't think I feel like I am betraying her anymore.  I think now, I am just relieved and sad.  Sad that my mom does not own a home anymore.  Sad that this is further confirmation that this path is hard and devastating.  Sad to not have a "home" to go to anymore.  Sad to leave my hometown (but grateful at the same time.)  Mostly sad to lose my mom.  

Here Lately....

It's been a while so I suppose that I should update.  Sorry if this doesn't make sense...I just need a place to debrief...and that's what this post is for.  This fall, we've really been trying to focus on getting mom's house cleaned out and on the market.  We went there a couple of weeks ago to continue what we started in September. In my naivety, I always thought that the hardest part to cleaning out the house would be getting started.  I got to mom's house on a Friday right around noon time.  And I walked around the house....and just stared at everything.   Was not sure where to start...we got quite a bit done when we were there in September...so I was thinking I would walk in, and just go to a place and get to work.  But when I got there, I just remember looking around at everything, feeling completely overwhelmed.   Thankfully, it was lunch time so my aunt and I went to lunch and ran to the bank.  We came back home, and I was thinking, okay, this is it...we'll get this thing started....so I walked around looking for a place to start....and that lasted for about an hour until I decided to start going through her tubberware...decide what we should keep, what we should give away, and throw away.  We had also called an electrician, so those guys came over...and I sat in the kitchen, now with tubberware covering the floor and felt overwhelmed.  It was easy to pick what to throw away...and give away...and keep.  I know I'm doing a horrible job describing this, but all this to say...the whole time, I felt like I was taking about a hundred steps backward...and really nothing forward.  

I dont remember doing much the rest of Friday....it was just too much so I got ready to go watch the game (The Rangers were playing the Yankees so we decided we would go to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the game.)  It still took us over half the day on Saturday to really get started packing up and cleaning out.  We decided to load up stuff to take to goodwill that we had started packing up the last time...and that was really the best thing to get us started.  We ended up making a lot of progress that weekend (we made a total of 6 trips to Goodwill in those two days.) 

The Realtor also came over that weekend and Shan & I signed the listing agreement.  We left the date blank and will most likely be putting the house on the market this week.  And to be honest...I'm ready to get rid of the house but I'm not.  I'm ready to because its a huge burden, it's not financially wise to keep it, and it's just a pain and something else to have to deal with.  Do we really need any more to deal with right now???

But I'm not ready to get rid of the house because it's facing the reality that mom is not mom anymore.  I left Wichita Falls 10 years ago...but for the last 10 years, anytime I go back to that town, I always at least go over to mom's house...it's a home...granted I never really lived in that house (and I'm so thankful for that right now.  I can only imagine how much more difficult this would be had I ever lived in that house.)  I digressed...anyway...for the last ten years since leaving Wichita Falls, I've always had a place that I know without a doubt I could always go to...no planning..I never needed to let anyone know that I would be stopping through town and would be crashing...I could just plan on crashing.  But now, going to WF to see friends, though I know I have at least one who will let me stay over any time day or night, tons of notice or I can just show up at her door step and say Hey, I need to use your couch....I dont have the "home" to go to.  Further realization of the reality that I will never have the relationship with my mom that I used to...further realization that life is fleeting....further finality of her diagnosis.

I'm not sure if I will miss her house.  I think that I will.  But far more than the house...I miss her.  I miss her smile, I miss her laugh...talking to her, listening to her...I miss her criticizing me...I miss shopping with her...I miss her hugs.  I just miss her.

Labor Day

Labor Day Weekend was a lot of labor this year and very little rest.  Shannon and I have finally decided that the burden of having mom's house (financial and physical) is too much and we are ready to tackle this part.  Well, I dont think you are ever fully ready to go through your mom's old life that she is no longer living, but we decided that it was time to take steps in that direction.  So, she, our aunt and I went back to mom's house this weekend.  It was surreal.  She really does not live there anymore.  Her stuff is there, but she is not.  We went to her old haven to start to pack it up and clean it out.  It was hard...real hard.  Hard to see her favorite place without her in it.  No cable, no tv, no computer, and now, no living room furniture.  Difficult to see her kitchen with her new, amazing cabinets that she had redone right before she got sick.  By amazing, I mean plenty of storage, open the cabinet and there are deep drawers to pull out and get exactly what you need without knocking everything else over.  Decorative roosters permeate the kitchen - so much to the point that they overflow into the breakfast and living rooms.  I could go on forever about the individual rooms.  

We divided up the salt and pepper shakers that she collected and boxed them up.  Well, at least the ones we could find.  I kept finding myself thinking "I wish she were here, still living her life."  Then, realizing that is not happening any time soon, it went on to a thought of  "I wish she were here so she could tell me where everything is."  By the end of the weekend, we emptied most of her china cabinet/hutch, the breakfast room hutch, a lot of her financial statements and checkbooks of the past (she had this area orgaized.), we went through her bedroom dressers and emptied most of the contents of those, and got to her bedroom closet and went through everything except for her shoes.  Oh, and my aunt also went through mom's bathroom and got rid of a lot...and Shan went through her bedroom closet and dressers.  Most of the patio furniture came to my house today.  

It was hard to be there and pack up her stuff.  Its more difficult to come back and see her stuff in my house.  But I also dont want to give it up.  It is initially frustrating and upsets me to see it, then  it just hurts really badly to see it.  I went through this when I got her living room set back in December...it will take a while...but initially its the worst feeling ever.  I guess for me the pain of watching mom suffer and knowing that she is not going to recover just hurts so badly - seeing her stuff is just a reminder of what is.  That she is no longer working in Wichita Falls, living in her house.  We don't call each other any more.  She doesnt come over and decorate my house now.  She can't really talk to me anymore.  She tries sometimes...but the words just don't come...but even that has gotten worse to where she doesnt really try all that much anymore.

Fix You

I watched this amazing dance on So You Think You Can Dance last week.  It brought me to tears as it reminded me of my mom and what she is going through these days.  It just really hit me in a personal and beautiful way and I just wanted to share it.



Please pray for my mom...there have been many, many rough days the last few weeks.

The Truth of Pain

It’s been a minute since I’ve updated, and the truth is, I’m not really sure what to say. It’s weird…I know my mom is sick and in assisted living and declining quite rapidly…but sometimes in my head I find myself thinking that mom is still in Wichita Falls, living in her house that she LOVED, and working too many insane hours…like she always did.

But the reality is, she is not living in her house, and I don’t know that I remember the last time that I really got to have a real conversation with her…maybe in the Fall of 2007???

I went to mom’s house last week to start cleaning it out…it was hard…but manageable.  I really feel like God really protected me in that.  I’ve been putting this step off…partly because the first step was to get her settled into assisted living…but mostly because I hate going to her house…going through her things. As I think about getting rid of stuff, I feel like in this weird way that I am betraying her.  I took her living room set…and while I am thankful and glad to have it…I would much rather have her.

I’ve known pain before…but never a pain like this.  And the truth about pain is that it hurts. 

I think we always know in the back of our heads that at some point in our lives we will go through a significant loss.  But the truth of the matter is that the first time I went through a loss, I always thought that I would have her to go through the loss with.  I never thought in a million years that the first loss would be her.  (Don’t get me wrong, I know she is still physically here, but our relationship is gone.)

So, in the Spring, my church offered a Grief Recovery class…so I took it, to help me deal with the grief I have been going through the past year in losing my relationship with my mom.  It was a very helpful group…and it was nice to be in a room with people who really know what you are going through…the mixture of emotions, the heartache, the wanting to be normal again, but not wanting to forget your loved one, missing your loved one, trying to survive in the world as we know it, learning to live without your loved one…the list goes on. 

About this time last year, I got on anti-depressants because I was having a hard time concentrating, couldn’t sleep, eating was messed up, couldn’t focus, hold a thought for the life of me, didn’t want to get out of bed, felt numb all the time…the list goes on.  After the first 3 months, I got off the anti-depressants b/c I saw no change whatsoever.  The first night of grief recovery, we looked at all of the things a grieving person goes though, and all of these were on the list.  My doctor asked me about the anti-depressants at my annual and I told her what was going on.  She did tell me it did sound like it was more grief related and that just takes a couple of years.   So, I’ve learned that some days, are good….and some days are bad.  I still go through all of those listed above…but its in cycles.  I remember this time last year I was just straight out exhausted all of the time.  But the Lord has been so gracious to me and has allowed me for really the past several months to just feel rested…even though I wake up every morning somewhere between 3-4am just thinking about and missing my mama.  I learned many other things in grief recovery…more of which I will post later…but for now I just am learning that God is holding me through this…He does see my pain…and He cares about the pain…and has blessed me abundantly and even though I feel alone many times…I am never alone.  Jesus knows the exact pain I’ve been through as He was made like me in every regard so that we have a sympathetic High Priest.  He sees me and cares about me.  And for now, amidst the pain in this intense house of suffering and mourning…I am just resting in that truth.  He doesn’t take away the pain, but He is holding me through it…even when I don’t feel like He is.

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Update on Mom:  Mom is doing okay...she seems like she is in a daze most days.  We (mostly Shan) are working with the nursing staff and doctors to evaluate her current meds and see what we can change.  She stayed up all night a couple of weeks ago re-arranging furniture...first in her room...then in the rest of the common areas.  They seemed overly concerned....my response was..."that sounds like mom." 

I'm not convinced that she knows who I am anymore.  I think some days she may, other days, not so much.  I think she knows who Heather is, but she doesn't know that I'm Heather.  I have asked her before if she knows who I am and sometimes she says No...other times she nods her head yes.  So, I don't think she is completely there...but maybe heading that way?

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"It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart."  Ecclesiastes 7:2

and the painful saga continues...

so, it's April, huh?  Times go by fast these days.  But then slow in others.  It is still really hard to see mom...wanting to be there, then just not wanting to be there.
Shannon and I went and ate lunch with mom this past Sunday - Easter Sunday.  Its insane to think about how much she has changed since last Easter.
I walked in and mom was already sitting at the table.  She was sitting up with her eyes closed...pretty much asleep.  (It honestly reminded me of last Easter of her falling asleep in church.)  I went up to the table, and tapped her...she didnt move...I could tell she was breathing, but that she was pretty much asleep.  I tapped her again and said "hello mom!" She woke up.  I asked her how she was and she said "good."  I asked her if she was hungry and she said "yeah."  
So, I sat at the table with her and gave her a bag of goodies...and told her I brought her something.  She didn't seem too interested.  We just sat in silence...very typical.
One of the caregivers came by and told me that they had just finished doing her hair and make up, pampering her so she is now relaxed and tired. 
A few minutes later, Shannon came in and brought a gift for mom.  Shannon sat down at the table with us and gave mom her gift....she really didnt seem that phased by it.  I gave Shannon a bag of candy as well...she tried to get mom to compare her bag to Shannon's...I tried to help mom...but she didnt seem that interested in it.  
Then the staff started to set up the lunch buffet line.  After a few awkward minutes, Shannon went up to the line to get her and mom a plate, and I stayed at the table with mom.  During this time, they brought us each our salad.  I gave mom the salad w/Ranch dressing and took the one with Italian.  I gave mom her fork and told her to eat and started eating my salad.  Mom didnt seem too interested in eating.  I honestly thought she was just waiting for Shannon to return because I've been w/her before when she won't eat until something or someone is in its place.  So, I finished my salad and about that time, Shannon returned to the table w/their lunch, so I got up and went through the line.
I come back, and I see that one of the caregivers was standing up and feeding mom.  I thought that was awkward, and really didnt know what to say, or even think.  
"Why is she feeding mom?"  "Is mom not hungry?"  "Should I volunteer to take over feeding mom."
Then the caregiver pulls up a chair and continues to feed mom.  In the mean time, Shannon is texting me telling me that while I was going through the line, the caregiver told Shannon that mom does not eat on her own anymore and has to be fed, or she won't eat.  
So, now I'm baffled b/c I had no clue she wasnt feeding herself anymore...wondering how long this has been going on.  And Shan texts me, "I think they should have told us about this."  I agree and decide I will talk to the administrator before I leave just to see what is going on and how long it's been going on.
All the while, I'm still thinking, "this is awkward, should I tell the volunteer that I'll feed mom?  Would that offend her?  This is really awkward with her sitting here...and feeding mom...all the while trying to comprehend in my mind and digest what is happening...holding back tears b/c I dont want to cry in front of mom.  What do I do?  I want to run away...I want to cry...I want to scream...
I couldn't look at mom....I dont know why, but it was too painful to look at her having to be fed...
I know its part of the disease...for her to forget how to eat, how to feed herself...all that stuff....honestly watching her eat the last two years has been very disgusting and very painful...because she gets food all over the place...doesnt use her utensils correctly...
But I had eaten with her 2 weeks before...and she fed herself....she was as messy as ever...and my grandma was there...trying to tell her how to eat...she doesnt understand that mom will eat every last morsel of food on her plate...but that's a completely different topic...I digress
Anyway, I asked the administrator before I left about mom not eating and she said that she hasnt been eating by herself for a month....but I know that's not completely true because I was there two weeks ago and ate with her and she fed herself....she also told me I would need to talk to the nurse for more info.  It was insane b/c of Easter (a lot of people up there...) and I was tired and ready for a nap like no other so I decided I would come back on Monday and talk to the nurse.  
the nurse told me that she feeds herself...unless it started over the weekend...but that she needs a jump-start....that if she were by herself, or sat with people who didnt feed themselves then no, she would not feed herself...but the nurse told me she saw her feed herself her oatmeal that morning.  The nurse did tell me that she usually has to prompt her to eat...maybe give her the first bite or two but after that she will pick up and go on in.  But she told me that she would keep me updated.  I told the nurse that I understand that as the disease progresses, she will not remember how to feed herself, or how to eat...I just wanted to know when that was happening.  You know...not go and eat with her and be shocked.
All of this to say...just like Dr. Weiner said when he diagnosed her...this is a rapid disease...you are looking at most a few years from now having her on a feeding tube...in a nursing home.  This disease is brutal...I'm glad that it is far more difficult on me than it is on mom.  But still....it sucks.
The rest of our visit was for the most part, very pleasant.  Mom drug us all over the facility...she loves telling everyone who Shannon and I are...I guess if anything has remained the same with her...that is it...she loves her girls...and for that I am grateful to be one of them and even more grateful to have my sister as the other.

367 Days Ago

Mom was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia on March 10, 2009 - 367 days ago.  Its insane how much our lives have changed this last year.  How much she has changed since this time last year.  

She is falling more often..and when she falls, she falls hard.  She went to the emergency room two and a half weeks ago to get stitches because of a fall.  She also went to the urgent care a few days before Christmas to get stitches from a fall.

Its insane how time goes...like in some ways, it seems like forever ago since we got her diagnosis..but in many others...it seems like yesterday. 

So many different thoughts and feelings ran through my mind that day...here are a few...

Helplessness - What are we going to do?  She can't be left alone.  We are both single, have to work full time...how are we going to do this now?

Relief - Though this is not the diagnosis I would want, I was so thankful that the Lord provided an answer...after a year and a half of searching, not knowing what to do...

Immense Pain/Sorrow/Sadness - Mom was diagnosed with an incurable disease...and is already at a point where it's more than likely not going to get any better. I wasn't ready to lose her...

Hurt/Lonely - I miss my mom...I miss our relationship.  It wasn't perfect by any means...but I miss talking to her, hanging out with her, calling her to vent, calling her to talk, gleaming wisdom from her.  Telling her injustices I saw in my immaturity and her response of telling me I understand how you feel and it doesn't seem fair, but I hate to break it to you, but that's just how life is.

Overwhelmed and Frustrated - Trying to figure how to pay her bills, figure out how to best take care of her - and it seems like everything we do is more difficult than I ever thought it would be.  Making her financial decisions...getting the correct paperwork to the correct people and jumping through all of their million and one loopholes just to get a simple thing done such as pay an outstanding debt because "they can't talk to me."

Anyway, we tried to keep the rest of the week pretty low key, making dinner, going to the store, and just hanging out.  I worked from home 2 days after she was diagnosed.  She was watching tv in the living room and I was working in the dining/office space we had created in our 2 bedroom apartment.  In the middle of the afternoon, I felt like my mom was watching me...I turned to see her...just staring at me and smiling.  I asked her what she was doing and she just smiled and said, "I'm just watching you."  And I smiled and said "Ok, well I'm just working."  She smiled and said "I know."  

I knew the way that she was smiling at me, that she was very proud of me.  I don't know why...I think that is just what mothers are supposed to do...be proud of their babies. 

Its weird to think how things are now.  We went to see her today - when I got there she was eating her dinner.  She was very quiet...she didn't really seem to notice I was there - which is to be expected.   Its weird to think how quickly things have changed this last year.

Reflection on 09

“Is this really happening, is this really my life?”

This single thought sums up 2009 for me.  It started off as a hard year.  We knew something was very wrong with mom, but we did not have a diagnosis.  She had just turned 55, so we were finally able to change her work status from “short term disability” to “retired.” 

The first four months of the year were tiring.  Mom couldn’t live alone, Shannon & I didn’t have a room for her, nor someone to watch her during the day, plus with no diagnosis…makes it very difficult to find someone to care for her.  She lived with grandma during the week, one of us would go to Wichita Falls for the weekend, and there were several weeks that she lived in Oklahoma with her sister and brother-in-law.

On March 10, 2009, she was diagnosed with Dementia with Lewy Bodies and Alzheimer’s disease.  I’d heard of Alzheimer's, had actually looked up the symptoms about 100 times the previous year and while there were some parts of it that made sense, it didn’t always add up for me.  I had never heard of Dementia with Lewy Bodies, but I looked it up that night (mom wouldn’t stay at the doctor long enough for him to explain the disease to us) and yeah, it was right on.

Then we had the difficult task of looking for an assisted living facility for our mother…which was not fun.  We knew we wanted to put her in a facility that specialized in dementia care.  We visited Arbor House in Lewisville and looking around the place was devastating.  Not because the facility was horrible, the facility seemed pretty nice, lots of things for residents to do, clean.  Devastating because every resident there was…well…old.  They had gray hair, frail bodies…and dementia.  Mom had no gray hair, her body was getting more frail, but no gray hair, no wrinkles…she’s a middle-aged woman…not a senior citizen.  BUT…the dementia piece fit.  I watched some of the residents and while their physical appearance was way different than mom’s…their state of mind and hallucinations were the same as hers.  Long story short, she moved into Arbor House this year and after a series of events, and for several reasons, we decided it best to move her elsewhere.

I still get nauseous when I go to see her.  My stomach always hurts…because my mom is in assisted living…and she is young.  I usually would rather stay in her room or go to a place where we are alone, where I don't have to see that she is in an assisted living facility...  Because I see her state and hurt for her.  I had different plans…she did too.

I’ve cried…no sobbed, more this year than in my entire life.  I’ve gone to bed crying, woke up in the middle of the night crying.  I’ve cried with visible tears and with invisible tears.  I’ve sobbed to the point of screaming…because I hurt.  I hurt all the time, actually.

 

I’ve gone several nights this past year with little to no sleep…because no matter how bad I’ve wanted to sleep, or how tired I was, I couldn’t sleep for the life of me.

I’ve gone several nights and days not wanting to get out of bed.  There have been several days it has taken just about everything out of me to just get out of bed.

I have a package of peanut M&M’s that she gave me at Christmas 2008 that I can’t eat…that I just keep on my desk or bed stand…the package has moved.

I have an Easter basket in the garage with candy in it…that I think is the ugliest thing ever…but she bought it for me…in her sickness…she still wanted to get Shannon and I gifts…I remember her quirky smile on her face as she put the Easter baskets on the kitchen table and told us to choose one…and I just can’t get rid of it…even though honestly, I kind of hate it.

I’ve never felt as alone as I do now.  I’ve never felt so far from God…but then so close to Him at the same time.  I’ve never seen His exalt Himself in my life as my Provider, my Comforter, my Hope like He has this last year.

I’ve laughed this year though too…a lot.  And smiled too.  There have been times that I’ve smiled because I’ve seen my mom happy, or I’ve heard her tell me that she loves me.  And there have been many, many times that I’ve laughed at something she said or did. 

And there have been times that I’ve forced a smile or a joke through all of the hurt and pain…because it seemed like the right thing to do.

I miss my mom.

I miss her friendship, her pessimism, her going out of her way to do whatever she could for her family.  I miss her criticism. 

It’s hard to see her like this.  To see her, but at the same time not see her, if you know what I’m talking about.

This past year has been insane…I’ve never lost anyone that I was real close to.  I’ve had several friends pass, family members too…but I have never had to watch someone I was close to go through anything like this.  What is most difficult – besides missing her terribly – is that she is the person who would naturally comfort me the most in any other situation.  So, what do you do when the person who would comfort you the most in a situation like this can not comfort you because…they are the person you are losing???

I’m forever grateful that in 2004 God led me to The Village Church.  God used the first 5 years I was there to mold and shape me.   He has completely shaken how I see things to ways that make more sense…leading me into a deeper relationship with Him.  He is continuously teaching me that His grace is enough.  Some staple passages and verses that help me through this time that I probably would not see the same way, had it not been for the Lord completely ruining me (in a good way) are:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

That life is a gift and God does not owe me anything.  “Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable His ways!  For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor?  Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?  For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.  To Him be the glory forever.  Amen.”  Romans 11:33-36

There has been a ton of family drama this year…and with that (and most everything else) this always comes to mind.  “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”  Genesis 50:20.  What you have meant for evil, God has meant for good.  So that God was involved in, allowed, did not stop the sorrow that had landed on Joseph’s life that he could bring about good, that He could save a nation, 30 years later.  And God does that repeatedly in the Bible…and I believe repeatedly in our lives.

To worship Him in this, that He has not placed this in our path to walk away from Him, but rather to run to Him, to grow closer to Him…“Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name; make known his deeds among the peoples!  Sing to him; sing praises to him; tell of all his wondrous works!  Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek his presence continually!  Remember the wondrous works that He has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered,” 1 Chronicles 16: 8-12

That He can and does sympathize with me…that I can meet with Him and tell Him how bad this hurts, how bad I hurt…and He is there and He understands…”For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”  Hebrews 4:15

And then, of course the huge one...”And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

I am thankful for a pastor who has relentlessly preached the gospel, not religion to us and every week teaches us that God is after our joy…not our begrudging submission.  I think I am going to close this entry that Matt has preached that has haunted me and just ask that the Lord would continue to remind me and you of this.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing that is currently or on or in your life that God has not in His infinite, all knowing wisdom not stopped and so therefore it’s a part of the purposes of God for His glory and your eventual joy.

Frequent Questions/Comments

The past several months have brought questions and comments that are hard to honestly respond to. I write this, not to complain about it…but to just say here is how it is and the dilemma in the questions and comments. The questions are great; the comments are just a different way to show support. I don’t want people to stop asking the questions or necessarily stop making the comments – they are always said out of concern..and I truly believe that people want to know – otherwise they wouldn’t ask. And honestly, I appreciate them. I just write this so others know what is really going through my head when these things come up. “How is your mom doing?” is the hardest and probably most devastating question to answer…yet at the same time, I like when people ask it because I know they are concerned about her. But it really is the hardest question EVER to answer. She’s not the same person that I’ve ever known her as. Most of the time she is “good” I guess for her disease…but the disease is also taking over fast. Really fast. So how do you answer that? I mean in her mind, she is good…she usually doesn’t know that anything is really wrong. But then she is falling more and more…and breaking bones and needing stitches…I can tell that she sometimes has a hard time with her motor skills…like laying down in bed…takes her a minute sometimes…to lift or swing her legs into the bed…then to lay down…its weird…and I’m probably doing an awful job describing it. Or, when my sister was walking her back to the car after a doctor appointment to get stitches…she was going down from the curb to the car…and she got one foot down…but had trouble getting the other foot down. Or what about when I was eating with her the other day…and we had grilled tilapia, orzo pasta and veggies…and she just stared at her plate for a long time…looking kind of confused as to what she should do with it. And it wasn’t until I cut her meat for her that she knew that she could eat it. So, how do I answer that question? “How is your mom doing?” I mean, really she’s not doing well…she has a disease that is basically killing her brain…but most of the time, she seems to be in good spirits and she doesn’t realize that anything is wrong. A comment that is really hard to know how to respond to…”I just keep looking at you and your sister and you two are so young…I’m impressed with how you are acting with this and dealing with it and taking care of your mom. My kids are your age and they would not be able to handle this the way you are.” I mean, seriously, what do I say to that??? I mean, I think I’m doing the best that I can, but I don’t know that I am handling the situation well and with maturity. My response is usually, if you would’ve told me 3 years ago that this is how my life would be looking right now, I would not have believed you and would have told you that I could never deal with that now. The truth of the matter is that things happen and you have to step up, put one foot in front of the other, and deal with things and take care of the people you love. Your kids would do this if they were in the situation.

A Moment to Be Cherished

Shannon and I went to see mom on December 8th for her birthday, which was on December 7th. Shannon ate lunch with her and I went to take mom her birthday cards that I received.
Mom was having a really good day - earlier that morning they sang Christmas karoke and mom just jumped in, grabbed the mic and apparently stole the show. She got to keep the santa hat for her performances.
We took family pictures with mom in her Santa hat and then read her birthday cards. Then I walked back with her to her room while Shannon discussed some things with some of the administrators.
Mom and I looked at the birthday cards she had already received and added the new ones to her collection. I went to see mom on my lunch hour and the end of the hour was approaching, so I asked mom if I could walk her to the living room on the other side so she could hang out with everyone in there. We stepped outside her room and linked arms. (Mom is not really steady walking, so a lot of times, we hold her hand or her arm.) We got down her hallway and were about halfway to the atrium, and she stopped, rubbed my arm, looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you. You are so good." And I just stopped, held back the tears, and said, "I love you too, mom," and hugged her for a while.
I am so thankful for that moment and cherish it so much. I balled all the way back to work. I don't know if I will ever encounter another moment like that with her. I hope that I do, but I know that I am not guaranteed it. Honestly, with her disease, I know that there is a day that is approaching that I will walk in to go see her, and she will have no clue as to who I am. So, I am choosing to remember this moment and store it for years to come.
There is no doubt in my mind that my mom loves my sister and I very much and are very proud of who we have turned out to be.
I'm really behind on this thing and have several ideas of things to post on here, mainly a reflection on 2009 and what I hope for 2010...but those are to come on a later day.