Mom was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia on March 10, 2009 - 367 days ago. Its insane how much our lives have changed this last year. How much she has changed since this time last year.
She is falling more often..and when she falls, she falls hard. She went to the emergency room two and a half weeks ago to get stitches because of a fall. She also went to the urgent care a few days before Christmas to get stitches from a fall.
Its insane how time goes...like in some ways, it seems like forever ago since we got her diagnosis..but in many others...it seems like yesterday.
So many different thoughts and feelings ran through my mind that day...here are a few...
Helplessness - What are we going to do? She can't be left alone. We are both single, have to work full time...how are we going to do this now?
Relief - Though this is not the diagnosis I would want, I was so thankful that the Lord provided an answer...after a year and a half of searching, not knowing what to do...
Immense Pain/Sorrow/Sadness - Mom was diagnosed with an incurable disease...and is already at a point where it's more than likely not going to get any better. I wasn't ready to lose her...
Hurt/Lonely - I miss my mom...I miss our relationship. It wasn't perfect by any means...but I miss talking to her, hanging out with her, calling her to vent, calling her to talk, gleaming wisdom from her. Telling her injustices I saw in my immaturity and her response of telling me I understand how you feel and it doesn't seem fair, but I hate to break it to you, but that's just how life is.
Overwhelmed and Frustrated - Trying to figure how to pay her bills, figure out how to best take care of her - and it seems like everything we do is more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Making her financial decisions...getting the correct paperwork to the correct people and jumping through all of their million and one loopholes just to get a simple thing done such as pay an outstanding debt because "they can't talk to me."
Anyway, we tried to keep the rest of the week pretty low key, making dinner, going to the store, and just hanging out. I worked from home 2 days after she was diagnosed. She was watching tv in the living room and I was working in the dining/office space we had created in our 2 bedroom apartment. In the middle of the afternoon, I felt like my mom was watching me...I turned to see her...just staring at me and smiling. I asked her what she was doing and she just smiled and said, "I'm just watching you." And I smiled and said "Ok, well I'm just working." She smiled and said "I know."
I knew the way that she was smiling at me, that she was very proud of me. I don't know why...I think that is just what mothers are supposed to do...be proud of their babies.
Its weird to think how things are now. We went to see her today - when I got there she was eating her dinner. She was very quiet...she didn't really seem to notice I was there - which is to be expected. Its weird to think how quickly things have changed this last year.
