It's been a while so I suppose that I should update. Sorry if this doesn't make sense...I just need a place to debrief...and that's what this post is for. This fall, we've really been trying to focus on getting mom's house cleaned out and on the market. We went there a couple of weeks ago to continue what we started in September. In my naivety, I always thought that the hardest part to cleaning out the house would be getting started. I got to mom's house on a Friday right around noon time. And I walked around the house....and just stared at everything. Was not sure where to start...we got quite a bit done when we were there in September...so I was thinking I would walk in, and just go to a place and get to work. But when I got there, I just remember looking around at everything, feeling completely overwhelmed. Thankfully, it was lunch time so my aunt and I went to lunch and ran to the bank. We came back home, and I was thinking, okay, this is it...we'll get this thing started....so I walked around looking for a place to start....and that lasted for about an hour until I decided to start going through her tubberware...decide what we should keep, what we should give away, and throw away. We had also called an electrician, so those guys came over...and I sat in the kitchen, now with tubberware covering the floor and felt overwhelmed. It was easy to pick what to throw away...and give away...and keep. I know I'm doing a horrible job describing this, but all this to say...the whole time, I felt like I was taking about a hundred steps backward...and really nothing forward.
I dont remember doing much the rest of Friday....it was just too much so I got ready to go watch the game (The Rangers were playing the Yankees so we decided we would go to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the game.) It still took us over half the day on Saturday to really get started packing up and cleaning out. We decided to load up stuff to take to goodwill that we had started packing up the last time...and that was really the best thing to get us started. We ended up making a lot of progress that weekend (we made a total of 6 trips to Goodwill in those two days.)
The Realtor also came over that weekend and Shan & I signed the listing agreement. We left the date blank and will most likely be putting the house on the market this week. And to be honest...I'm ready to get rid of the house but I'm not. I'm ready to because its a huge burden, it's not financially wise to keep it, and it's just a pain and something else to have to deal with. Do we really need any more to deal with right now???
But I'm not ready to get rid of the house because it's facing the reality that mom is not mom anymore. I left Wichita Falls 10 years ago...but for the last 10 years, anytime I go back to that town, I always at least go over to mom's house...it's a home...granted I never really lived in that house (and I'm so thankful for that right now. I can only imagine how much more difficult this would be had I ever lived in that house.) I digressed...anyway...for the last ten years since leaving Wichita Falls, I've always had a place that I know without a doubt I could always go to...no planning..I never needed to let anyone know that I would be stopping through town and would be crashing...I could just plan on crashing. But now, going to WF to see friends, though I know I have at least one who will let me stay over any time day or night, tons of notice or I can just show up at her door step and say Hey, I need to use your couch....I dont have the "home" to go to. Further realization of the reality that I will never have the relationship with my mom that I used to...further realization that life is fleeting....further finality of her diagnosis.
I'm not sure if I will miss her house. I think that I will. But far more than the house...I miss her. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh...talking to her, listening to her...I miss her criticizing me...I miss shopping with her...I miss her hugs. I just miss her.
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