Long overdue update

The purpose of this blog was for me to have a place to process about my mothers diagnosis with Dementia with Lewy Bodies. She passed in April 2012.  And a snapshot of life since then has looked like this...

In November 2012, I ran a full marathon in San Antonio....and it was miserable!  I think I will stick to half marathons and lesser distances for now...

In May 2013, my boyfriend asked me to be his wife and I said yes!

In July 2013, my sister informed me that she was making me an aunt and that her baby was due in February 2014.

On September 21, 2013, I married my best friend, Billy.

In January 2014, we went on our first cruise with some great friends.

On March 4, 2014, my sister had a baby girl, named Lyric Annaleigh.

In April 2014, my doctor confirmed that I was pregnant and due in December 2014.

On December 15, 2014 at 3:29pm, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl, Austyn Grace Hiser.

Life has gone on. After years of feeling like life was being taken away, life has now returned to our family.  My sister and I have started families of our own.

Our mom is missed very much.  There is so much I feel like she has missed out on...yet I sense her presence like no other.  I would love very much for her to be here and be able to hold her little granddaughters, give me advice, and "mother" me in adulthood.  Thankfully, there have been people to step in and help with that...respectfully...not replacing her...but by being able to speak into me...which has been helpful.

When I started this blog, the whole purpose was for me to dig in with what I was thinking/feeling/dealing with in this awful disease.  Now as I hopefully return to continue on that journey, the purpose will more be for me to reflect on how life is now and life on the other side...what life looks like now...and maybe even how I can sense what Lewy Body Dementia tried to take away from me.

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since my sweet, beautiful mom went to heaven.  Man has it been a roller coaster.

I miss her so much every single day.  I see her face all the time, see her smile, hear her laugh...hear her words.  I sense her presence a lot.  I'm glad she is not held hostage by dementia anymore, but I wish that I got more time with her. It might be a little selfish to feel that way...but its where I am at right now, so I guess I'll just be selfish about it.

I wish that she could see and know who I am today...that she could see and know who my sister is today.  I wish that I could call her up any time and just talk to someone who always truly understood me or at least made me feel understood.  She and I were a lot alike in some weird ways so I think that is partially what made me feel understood by her.

The last 6 months have been long...always feeling the pain of her loss, but also feeling joy amidst life lately.  You can't sit by someone on their death bed and not walk away completely unchanged.

Life is short and anything and everything can change in an instant.  I want to experience as much joy as possible, live life as abundantly as possible and try as best as I can to live without regrets.  I'm not sure how possible it is to live with no regrets, but I know that its possible to look back at mistakes made in the past and know that you can learn from them...everything we go through (good and bad) shapes our future...changes our outlook on life.

So after several years of not having the luxury of falling apart, the last 6 months I have been able to fall apart...a little.  Truth be said, even after the death, there is so much of the business side to take care of, plus life goes on.  There really isn't time to fall apart the way you want to.  There are many days that anything and everything in me wants to give up and give in to this feeling of paralysis...but then there is the tension of wanting to live fully and abundantly...and not miss out.

I've heard the grieving process is similar to adjusting to having a body part amputated.  Meaning that a person who has their leg amputated has to learn how to live with one leg instead of two...learning how to balance in a different way, walk in a completely different way...probably needing a crutch to support them...at least for a while...  Grieving the loss of someone you love is similar in that you are learning how to live life...without them.  And its hard.  To be honest, lately I feel like my brain has been amputated...but we know that's not true, because I am here...writing this...but seriously...its like I'm learning how to walk again.  And there are many days that I don't want to.  I just want to sit...frozen...but God has other plans, because I get up...and tell mom that I love her and I miss her...and slowly put one foot in front of the other.. there are times that is easier than others...times that my pace is completely off...and times that life seems better than it has in as long as I can remember.

So, if this is a rambling post...I'm sorry...but its the tension that I feel.  Now for the grace to learn how to walk again...I think its happening though.  Not that there won't be falls, and set backs and going to a really dark, sad place for a few days.  I'm sure those days are still coming...but I'll take it like I take everything else...one day at a time, one step at a time...relying on the Lord to do what he says he will do in Lamentations...give me the grace I need for that day.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."  Lamentations 3:21-24

20 Things That I Learned in My 20's

I have learned a lot more than 20 things in my twenties...but I thought I would list out at least 20 things I have learned this last decade.  Here they are...in no particular order.

1. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results.
2. Life is very, very short.  Anything and everything you know can change in an instant.
3. If you want something, ask for it.  The worst that can happen is one can say no.
4. Wine therapy exists.
5. My sister is one of my best friends.
6. It's all about perspective.
7. I can do anything that I put my mind to and work hard for.
8. God owes me nothing.
9. God doesn't just love His children, He likes them...ok I'm still learning that part.
10. Working out and eating healthy is good for my soul as well as my body.
11. I can think of the best ideas and tell myself to write it down.  As soon as I sit down to write down my idea, I forget it.
12. Sitting on a patio with loved ones is one of life's simplest and best pleasures.
13. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
14. When it comes to gardening and planting, I have a black thumb.
15. Life isn't fair.  I'm not convinced that we really want it to be fair.
16. In a certain light, we all look the same.
17. The only person you can change is yourself.
18. Texas country is the best music....EVER...especially Randy Rogers Band.
19. God is the only One who can rightly use the terms "always" and "never."  The most anyone else can rightly use is "usually," "mostly," "rarely."
20. Don't go crazy over what you can't control.

Thumbprints....

5 weeks ago today, I held my momma's hand and kissed her forehead and cheek for the last time.

Today, I wear a necklace with her thumbprint around my neck.

Forever - she is in my heart, mind, and soul.

I know you are doing so good now, Mom.  I love you so much!  I miss you - more than you know!

One Month

One month ago today, my sister and I held our mom's hand and watched her as she struggled to breathe her last few breaths on this earth.

This past month has been surreal to say the least....the emotions have been overwhelming...

I still have a lump in my throat the size of Texas...and a cramp in my stomach that won't go away.  I can laugh, but it doesn't feel the same...and smiling is hard, most of the time.  There have been a couple of times that I have caught my reflection while watching TV on my iPad....and I see her face.

I've returned to normal things, and some times they seem normal...and other times they do not.  I'm not sure that I'm ready for normal, but I don't want to stay frozen...because, well, she wouldn't want for me to stay frozen...and there is still a lot to do.  So, it's one foot in front of the other...and take the moment as it comes.

The worst part about work is that I'm in the area that she last lived....and that is just hard.  I look out the window and I think of her...I drive down the highways and streets with tears in my eyes, sometimes streaming down my face.

It was weird on Mother's Day to not go have brunch with her...it was weird to not go have brunch with her this past weekend.  Shan and I loved to do brunch with her.  

I thought that once time did come, I wouldn't miss the calls about her health and needs, I wouldn't miss making those decisions....but after 3 years, it becomes a part of you...it is partly how you identify yourself.  But on the other hand, I'm glad that she is not living like that anymore.  It's a weird deal.

It was weird, she could be having the worst day, but if Shan and I walked into the room, her face would light up...she would smile and laugh with us....and yes, sometimes at us.  

I still feel numb most days....getting out of bed seems impossible most days and going to sleep is hard some days.  I constantly see her face...thankfully how she looked before she got sick...and I constantly hear her laugh.  

I've been blessed to have known her for 29 years....I just wish that it was much, much longer.

This has been the longest month I think that I have ever experienced...

April 28, 2012

I woke up sad on Saturday, April 28, 2012.  I didn't know for sure why, but I woke up and was just sad.  Then I remembered, it was my last night to serve in the children's ministry for the summer.  The previous week had been heavy.
Mom had a rough week.  We had signed her up for an extra care benefit that she qualified for.  After all of that, I had decided to take a break from my volunteer responsibilities so I could spend more time with family and with her.   I had been serving in the Children's ministry for just over 6 years.  After spending that much time in a group, it becomes a part of you - they become a part of your family.  It was a tough decision, but the right one.  I know it was only for 3 months, but I was going to miss this group for those three months.  That had to be why I was sad.  I accepted it, got out of bed, made it to the gym and did my normal Saturday routine - gym, run errands, come home, eat lunch, get ready for the day, run a couple more errands, come back home read through the children's lesson, read scriptures and pray, then get ready for church, run to Starbucks then get to church.
I started getting weepy as I walked into the church.  It was going to be a rough night.  I walked in with one of my friends...she had just received the email that I sent to my group earlier that day...explaining that it would be my last night in Kids Village for the summer.  We chatted as we walked to the Children's area.  We walk into the double doors and check in...then my children's minister sees me, says hi, and asks how I was feeling about the night.  As I told her that I was sad and was going to miss them the next three months, the tears started flowing.  We talked a little about my mom.  Anne is a special person in my life...she is a year older than me and has gone through similar things with her parents and when mom first got sick she reached out to me and told me about her mom and let me know that she was only a call away.    She has always been really good with checking in on me in my role as a caregiver of a parent.  We briefly talked about the previous week and I distinctly remember telling her that the social worker told my sister and I that the next time we meet we would need to pick out a funeral home - not that mom was dying any time soon, but just for when she did, it would be a decision we would not have to make.  I remember telling Anne at around 4:15pm, "I'm not ready to even think about making that decision."  It was time to start walk through (our leader meeting where we walk through the night, before the kids and families arrive.)  Kids Village went on as normal.  I walked the halls, checked in on my groups, worshipped with the leaders and kids, then during their small group time, the other coaches and I walked the halls, checked our groups, and talked about Texas Rangers.  The service ended, kids and families left and we were in between services.  I gathered my stuff, put it on the corner of the check in desk and went down the hall to the restroom.  My phone was on silent, but I saw it ringing in my purse, noticed it was Silverado, answered it, but they weren't on the other line.  Got back to the children's area, grabbed my stuff, and saw that Silverado was calling again.  I missed the call, got the voicemail, listened to the voicemail and decided to call back.  (It was rare for me to call back, but after listening to this message, I was like, I should just check in and see what she means by this.)
I went to a quieter room, called back, and my body just started to tremble.  I got ahold of Rachael and she explained that mom's condition had changed, she was having difficulty breathing, but they had her on oxygen and my sister was on her way up.  I told her that I was on my way up...she told me not to panic.  I went to grab my stuff, let the group of people there know what was going on and was trembling the whole time.  They offered to pray for me but told me that if I needed to go, that I could and they would still pray for me.  I took them up on that offer...and ran to my car.
I tried to be calm, but it was hard.  Shan had texted me telling me that she was headed up.  I responded that I was on my way up there.  I told her I would call our aunt.  That trip was rough.  It seemed like forever, but I eventually got to Silverado...still trembling...scared of what I was to see.
Shan told me where they were and when I got there, a nurse was examining mom in the living room.  I sat next to mom, and Shannon gave me mom's hand.  A minute later, the nurse took my mom to her room.  Shannon and I met up with Rachael and got a glass of wine and talked to the nurse real quick.  She said that since mom was eating when this happened, they thought it was an aspiration and that some people recovered from it quickly, others decline slowly, and others decline quickly.  We called our grandma to let her know what was going on, then called our aunt to update her.  After we made those calls, we want back to mom's room.
They got us two chairs, and we sat next to mom.  I held her hand first.  It was so hard to watch her struggle to breathe.  I didn't know where the night was going to lead us...but I knew it would be a long and difficult night.  I sat by mom...told her that I loved her, and that Shannon and I were here...and that I thought she was the greatest mom ever.  After a while, I had to go to the bathroom, so Shan and I were going to switch places.  I started to let go of mom's hand, and she grabbed my hand tighter...so I sat back down...and told her that I would stay.   Shannon went and sat on her other side.  A few minutes later, she let me switch places with Shannon.
It sounded like mom's breathing was getting a little better.  Shannon said she had not eaten all day and that we needed more wine.  So I told her that I would go get some food and she also asked for a more comfortable shirt.  As I was in the food line, Shan texted me, "I don't want to scare you too much, but mom's breathing has slowed significantly."  I rushed back to them...and got back around 9pm.
They were putting mom on continuous care for at least the night, so her nurse got there right before I returned.  He was examining mom and giving her some medicines to make her more comfortable when I got back.  Her breathing was significantly slower.  Shan and I ate and Shan told mom of some memories she had.
Friends were texting both of us.  After checking my texts, I checked my email.  There was one from Anne.  In the email, she responded to my comment about not knowing how I would be able to walk through all of this.  She said that she could assure me that the Father will provide every grace that is needed in exactly the moment it is needed.
It was apparent that it was getting more difficult for my mom to breathe.  I sent a text to one of my friends saying that I was scared.  That I didn't think that mom would make it through the night.  A few minutes later, they gave mom a breathing treatment.  I walked into the hallway for a minute while they gave her the breathing treatment.  I came back in, she finished the treatment and Shan and I continued to sit with her.  About 5 minutes after her breathing treatment, she seemed to yawn.  Shan and I thought it was a weird sound, but a minute later, we were like, um she hasn't breathed again, has she.  And we both looked at each other so helpless.  Shan told me to get the nurse...I didnt want to leave mom's side.  I pushed the button...the nurse didnt come, so I ran to the hall.  He came back, saw her, listened to her heart and said, "Yes, she quit breathing.  I'm so sorry.  I have to call the RN back, I can't pronounce her."  Momma passed away around 10pm that night.  I was shocked.  I had never felt to helpless, so scared, it was a different kind of pain.
I called grandma, and our aunt.  Then I sobbed.  Other caregivers came in.  They cried with us, put their arms around us and told us that we were in their prayers.  About six hours after I had said that I was not ready to "decide on a funeral home," I was being asked for real, "What funeral home would you like for us to call?"
They gave us several more minutes then told us options.  I was still in shock, in pain, and sad.  I had never felt so numb.
So, I woke up sad that day for one reason...and went to bed sad the next morning for a different reason.  I was glad that mom was no longer in pain...but I knew that I lost a wonderful mother and friend that night....and that it's a pain I will carry the rest of my life.

November...

I was doing pretty good with this whole "monthly" blogging thing...then August happened...and I've been at a loss for words.  And really busy.
This disease is really horrible...I mean, really.  I don't know when it happened, but it has...I'm uncomfortable around my mom...like I feel like I'm with someone I know...yet not....it's weird.  I don't think you're ever supposed to feel that way around your parents.
I dont see mom as much as I used to...it's just hard....and I feel bad that I don't see her often....but when I'm with her....I just don't know what to do anymore.  When she was able to do stuff, it was a little easier...but now that she isn't able to do as much...it's become quite the challenge to know how to spend time with her.
And I still miss her...a lot.  I miss seeing her - what she looked like when her hair was longer, the gestures she made, the way she would talk to me, the way she would criticize me...yes...I miss her criticizing me.  Who would have ever thought?  I miss just talking to her about life.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and calling her...like after a hard day and you just want to cry...I mean sob...and know that she would understand...or when you have a good day and you want to celebrate that...or you find out good or exciting news...that was always the first call...and now here....almost 3 years later....I still miss it.  I miss her.  Her absence is still very much noticed...
I mean, I know she is still here and this is all stuff I could still talk to her about...but it's not the same....like I can't pour out my heart to her like I used to...it's weird to pour your heart out to someone and not know what her reaction will be...will she smile?  Maybe laugh?  Cry?  Be overly worried about me?  I don't want her to be overly worried.  She obsesses about stuff so easily...I don't want her to obsess about me having a bad day and end up hurting herself.
Speaking of which...she is falling more frequently...which is weird considering she is in a wheel chair most of the time...but still...they keep coming.  I hate that part of this disease too...I never know what to say or do when that call comes...because you know its part of the disease, so you know that it's going to happen...but also, you hate that it happens and are concerned because who wants to hear of their mother falling - ever - much less often??
Ok...I think that I'm finished venting...for now....I may pick up later.