I don't know why, but I'm sad today. My heart is sad...I guess that is better clarification for what I mean. I really miss my mom today. I'm not sure how to answer the "What are you doing for Christmas" question. I guess its common for people to know their Christmas plans by now. I mean, I guess I have an idea of what I will be doing on Christmas: breakfast with Shannon, hang out with mom, maybe make a wreath with her...I've been trying to do that one all month, but every time I go there to do that with her, she is not in the mood to participate. Which is fine...you learn with this disease, that when you go to see your loved one, you take a project or something to do, but keep the expectation low. It may be a really bad day for her...or it may be an amazing day for her.
I catch myself wondering if the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) will always be this hard. Does it really help me - help my soul to listen to songs about the holidays and being with family or going home - only to remember that a significant part of my family is no longer there? To listen to songs about going home or about being home for Christmas only to remember that I don't really have a "home" to go to...a "family" to go to. (Besides my home and my sister...but nothing where I grew up - if that makes any sense. I am truly thankful to have my sister.)
I don't want to grow bitter that I don't have a "home" or a "family" to go to anymore. I always want to be and truly think I am very happy for those who have "homes" and "families" to go to for the holidays. I think that if I ever get that in my life again, I will see what a true blessing and gift that is...something to be thankful for...I think I would see it more as a gift and not feel entitled to it.
Among these thoughts, I am reminded that I'm not supposed to be at "home" here because this is not my home. My home is with the Lord...He will take me there one day - but for now - He is with me. He knows my desires...He knows my pain right now. In this moment He knows that I hurt and He cares about my hurt.
I find that to be a beautiful place to rest. It doesn't take away the pain or the sting of the pain - it is all very real - but it is comforting.
I'm quickly reminded that this season - this holiday - Christmas is not about family or Christmas plans - rather it is in celebrating that for thousands of years, people were waiting on the promised Messiah - to come to the world...to deliver them from oppression...I imagine waiting in anticipation, frustration, joy, hope....and HE CAME. Born as a baby, in a manger, in Bethlehem, He came to save his people.
May that help me to put my "family" issue into perspective. Not to ignore, discredit, or minimize the pain. The pain is very real...as are the fears...and I think it is appropriate to grieve well with that. However, I want to seek to always remember that while family is great and should seek to be together for the holidays...this holiday is celebrating the beautiful reality that Emmanuel has come. He has come to save His people.
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