Friday Dec 17, 2010

I don't know why, but I'm sad today.  My heart is sad...I guess that is better clarification for what I mean.  I really miss my mom today.  I'm not sure how to answer the "What are you doing for Christmas" question.  I guess its common for people to know their Christmas plans by now.  I mean, I guess I have an idea of what I will be doing on Christmas: breakfast with Shannon, hang out with mom, maybe make a wreath with her...I've been trying to do that one all month, but every time I go there to do that with her, she is not in the mood to participate.  Which is fine...you learn with this disease, that when you go to see your loved one, you take a project or something to do, but keep the expectation low.  It may be a really bad day for her...or it may be an amazing day for her.
I catch myself wondering if the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) will always be this hard.  Does it really help me - help my soul to listen to songs about the holidays and being with family or going home - only to remember that a significant part of my family is no longer there?  To listen to songs about going home or about being home for Christmas only to remember that I don't really have a "home" to go to...a "family" to go to.  (Besides my home and my sister...but nothing where I grew up - if that makes any sense.  I am truly thankful to have my sister.)  
I don't want to grow bitter that I don't have a "home" or a "family" to go to anymore.  I always want to be and truly think I am very happy for those who have "homes" and "families" to go to for the holidays. I think that if I ever get that in my life again, I will see what a true blessing and gift that is...something to be thankful for...I think I would see it more as a gift and not feel entitled to it.
Among these thoughts, I am reminded that I'm not supposed to be at "home" here because this is not my home.  My home is with the Lord...He will take me there one day - but for now - He is with me.  He knows my desires...He knows my pain right now.  In this moment He knows that I hurt and He cares about my hurt.
I find that to be a beautiful place to rest.  It doesn't take away the pain or the sting of the pain - it is all very real - but it is comforting.
I'm quickly reminded that this season - this holiday - Christmas is not about family or Christmas plans - rather it is in celebrating that for thousands of years, people were waiting on the promised Messiah - to come to the world...to deliver them from oppression...I imagine waiting in anticipation, frustration, joy, hope....and HE CAME.  Born as a baby, in a manger, in Bethlehem, He came to save his people.
May that help me to put my "family" issue into perspective.  Not to ignore, discredit, or minimize the pain.  The pain is very real...as are the fears...and I think it is appropriate to grieve well with that.  However, I want to seek to always remember that while family is great and should seek to be together for the holidays...this holiday is celebrating the beautiful reality that Emmanuel has come.  He has come to save His people.

Thoughts on My Last Night in Mom's House

This is weird.  I don’t like being here without mom.  I don’t like coming in the front door, and not seeing her greet me.  I don’t like looking around and seeing the house where she thought she would one day have grandchildren roaming around on weekends – only for her to not be here or see that lived out.  I don’t like the house being bare.  Dec 2, 2010

Tomorrow morning, Dec 8, 2010, a new family will call this place home.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I'm grateful for the Lord's provision: for us, a quick sell (the house was only on MLS one day and we received two offers), no more mortgage payments, no more utility bills.  No more checking on the house/keeping up with it.  A huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.  For the new family, a great house, wonderful neighbors (who really care about each other), a place to live their life.  

I'm sad.  We signed the documents  on Dec 7, 2010, mom's 57th birthday.  Upon getting back into town, we went to see her for her birthday, only to find out she had been crying earlier in the morning for no apparent reason.  The caregivers think it is because she knows it is her birthday...I can't help but wonder if it is because she somehow knows that we have sold her house and the seller side of the documents were signed.  

I don't think I feel like I am betraying her anymore.  I think now, I am just relieved and sad.  Sad that my mom does not own a home anymore.  Sad that this is further confirmation that this path is hard and devastating.  Sad to not have a "home" to go to anymore.  Sad to leave my hometown (but grateful at the same time.)  Mostly sad to lose my mom.