Will this knot that is in my stomach ever leave???

I don't know how to start this entry or exactly what to say, but here goes...
We moved mom into Arbor House on Tuesday afternoon. We told her that she was going there for brain therapy. We got there, unpacked her room and set the rest of her stuff up. She started to tear up and told me that she thought that this was a rest home. I told her that it was not a rest home. Shan & I told her that we knew it was scary and that we were a little scared too but we knew this would be the best for her. She sat on the edge of the bed and told us that she wanted to leave. It came time for us to go and her favorite soap was coming on so we both hugged her and told her that we loved her and would see her soon. It was so hard to leave her there...words can't express how hard it was to see the terror in her eyes as we left her in her room.
The rest of the day was really hard. I called up there towards the end of the work day and asked how she was doing. They said she was doing fine - was eating dinner at the time that I called. Here is part of what I wrote later that night:
I wish I didn't hurt so bad. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't feel like I've betrayed her. I hope she isn't scared. I hope she gets better - that they find a cure for this. I think today is easily the hardest day of my life. I hope she meets new people and makes friends.
It really has not become easier. It still hurts. I feel like we have made the right decision - the healthy decision to adequately take care of her. But that being said - its not more difficult...but it is just as difficult today as it was Tuesday. I really hope that she is okay. I know that she will never truly understand if a cure for the disease is not found in her lifetime. But I think that if she were in her right mind - she would want the adequate care and would do the same thing that we did.

Cliche

I still am experiencing grief. My heart is heavy, but I think pain is a good thing. Pain forces us to seek help; for me, pain forces me to seek God. I love Jesus and I love the Bible. I love reformed theology - wish I understood more of it better; but what I do know of it is a warm blanket to my soul. I don't know that in this situation, I've ever shook my fist at God. I know that He is in control of all things; and I believe Romans 8:28 with all my heart: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose." I know that He is working all things together for good and I truly believe that all means everything from the tiniest molecule of something to the biggest part of it; God is in it and working in it.
I identify with Job who after he lost everything, in a matter of seconds, his whole family (minus his wife); all his livestock; land; everything said "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
But when the deep stuff happens; when the surgeon makes the cut; the cliche sayings as great as they sound in writing and as beautiful as they look on a painting or coffee mug really do not do what they do when you are not going through the pain. They are great and some of them are even true...but they do not do justice to the pain. I have to confess that theology while for me usually better than the cliche sayings still leaves me hanging knowing that the pain is there.
I know we tell others this because we are trying to comfort them; and I know I've done the same before; but now experiencing the pain myself; as great as the saying is and how true it may be, it does not comfort. Only One can truly comfort; Only one can heal...but we do need each other; we do need those in our paths who walk through situations with us, who just let us say what is on our heart and are there to offer solid scripture and Godly wisdom. I know it hurts to see other people go through pain, but I think God teaches us through our pain. The song in my heart right now is Jennifer Knapps Hold me Now:

I'm weak. I'm poor.
I'm broken, Lord but I'm yours.
Hold me now.

I know that God is the only one who can truly comfort right now. And I know that some days are going to be more difficult than others. I have to confess that I don't always see Him in this situation, but at the end of the day, I know He is there. I know that He cares.

numbness

This really is more difficult than I ever thought it would be...not just blogging, but also, and more so just going through this whole process w/mom. To get down to the truth of the matter, I've never hurt so much before. I don't know how to deal w/this. I'm so thankful that my sister and I live together during this time. It makes it easier to know there is someone who lives under the same roof who knows how bad this hurts and go through the same emotions together. I just hurt so much and every step is so hard. Sister and I were talking tonight and we both feel/do the same things...as soon as we get to a point where we need to move forward, we both just freeze and hesitate before moving. We are going to set up her room this coming Friday...I dread that day so much.
We got to spend Easter weekend w/our aunt and mom and we all had lunch w/our grandmother. Its so hard to see mom like this...its hard b/c she is clueless in some aspects, but you can also tell in some ways that she knows that something is not right. Its hard to be in a conversation w/her and realize the whole time that she can't keep up with the conversation. Its hard to watch her not be able to write her own signature...or initials. The whole situation is so heartbreaking. All of it just makes me feel so stuck and so numb...I don't know what to do. Its hard to focus on anything.
So that's where I'm at in all of this...if that makes any sense...

208

We signed the paperwork today, got a room...there were actually several rooms open, and we got to see them all and pick one. It all seems surreal. I can't believe we are sitting here at this table, signing documents...for mom to live in a "new home." We got asked hard questions..if something should happen and she needs to be resuscitated, do they resuscitate her or not. What kind of question is that? I mean I know that its one that they have to ask and need to know...but man...thankfully we get to think about that one...(we are leaning towards resuscitate her.) I think that's what she would want....especially at her age. How do we tell her...we were given suggestions tonight and told to think about it, that its a decision that only we can make....but man...its hard. And what if we make the wrong decision and it just goes bad? What do we do then? I just can't believe that this is where we are...I never thought things would be like this...