This past month has been surreal to say the least....the emotions have been overwhelming...
I still have a lump in my throat the size of Texas...and a cramp in my stomach that won't go away. I can laugh, but it doesn't feel the same...and smiling is hard, most of the time. There have been a couple of times that I have caught my reflection while watching TV on my iPad....and I see her face.
I've returned to normal things, and some times they seem normal...and other times they do not. I'm not sure that I'm ready for normal, but I don't want to stay frozen...because, well, she wouldn't want for me to stay frozen...and there is still a lot to do. So, it's one foot in front of the other...and take the moment as it comes.
The worst part about work is that I'm in the area that she last lived....and that is just hard. I look out the window and I think of her...I drive down the highways and streets with tears in my eyes, sometimes streaming down my face.
It was weird on Mother's Day to not go have brunch with her...it was weird to not go have brunch with her this past weekend. Shan and I loved to do brunch with her.
I thought that once time did come, I wouldn't miss the calls about her health and needs, I wouldn't miss making those decisions....but after 3 years, it becomes a part of you...it is partly how you identify yourself. But on the other hand, I'm glad that she is not living like that anymore. It's a weird deal.
It was weird, she could be having the worst day, but if Shan and I walked into the room, her face would light up...she would smile and laugh with us....and yes, sometimes at us.
I still feel numb most days....getting out of bed seems impossible most days and going to sleep is hard some days. I constantly see her face...thankfully how she looked before she got sick...and I constantly hear her laugh.
I've been blessed to have known her for 29 years....I just wish that it was much, much longer.
This has been the longest month I think that I have ever experienced...
1 comment:
I'm sorry this month has been hard...but the Lord is with you. He loves you. Your mom was such a wonderful person. I am grateful for her example of strength. She did such an amazing job raising you and Shannon. I really think that is a testament of who she is. Know that Wendi and I love you. We miss you (and Shannon). We pray for your family often. One of these days we will all get together again! I look forward to the day!
Molly
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