I miss her so much every single day. I see her face all the time, see her smile, hear her laugh...hear her words. I sense her presence a lot. I'm glad she is not held hostage by dementia anymore, but I wish that I got more time with her. It might be a little selfish to feel that way...but its where I am at right now, so I guess I'll just be selfish about it.
I wish that she could see and know who I am today...that she could see and know who my sister is today. I wish that I could call her up any time and just talk to someone who always truly understood me or at least made me feel understood. She and I were a lot alike in some weird ways so I think that is partially what made me feel understood by her.
The last 6 months have been long...always feeling the pain of her loss, but also feeling joy amidst life lately. You can't sit by someone on their death bed and not walk away completely unchanged.
Life is short and anything and everything can change in an instant. I want to experience as much joy as possible, live life as abundantly as possible and try as best as I can to live without regrets. I'm not sure how possible it is to live with no regrets, but I know that its possible to look back at mistakes made in the past and know that you can learn from them...everything we go through (good and bad) shapes our future...changes our outlook on life.
So after several years of not having the luxury of falling apart, the last 6 months I have been able to fall apart...a little. Truth be said, even after the death, there is so much of the business side to take care of, plus life goes on. There really isn't time to fall apart the way you want to. There are many days that anything and everything in me wants to give up and give in to this feeling of paralysis...but then there is the tension of wanting to live fully and abundantly...and not miss out.
I've heard the grieving process is similar to adjusting to having a body part amputated. Meaning that a person who has their leg amputated has to learn how to live with one leg instead of two...learning how to balance in a different way, walk in a completely different way...probably needing a crutch to support them...at least for a while... Grieving the loss of someone you love is similar in that you are learning how to live life...without them. And its hard. To be honest, lately I feel like my brain has been amputated...but we know that's not true, because I am here...writing this...but seriously...its like I'm learning how to walk again. And there are many days that I don't want to. I just want to sit...frozen...but God has other plans, because I get up...and tell mom that I love her and I miss her...and slowly put one foot in front of the other.. there are times that is easier than others...times that my pace is completely off...and times that life seems better than it has in as long as I can remember.
So, if this is a rambling post...I'm sorry...but its the tension that I feel. Now for the grace to learn how to walk again...I think its happening though. Not that there won't be falls, and set backs and going to a really dark, sad place for a few days. I'm sure those days are still coming...but I'll take it like I take everything else...one day at a time, one step at a time...relying on the Lord to do what he says he will do in Lamentations...give me the grace I need for that day.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:21-24
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