I woke up sad on Saturday, April 28, 2012. I didn't know for sure why, but I woke up and was just sad. Then I remembered, it was my last night to serve in the children's ministry for the summer. The previous week had been heavy.
Mom had a rough week. We had signed her up for an extra care benefit that she qualified for. After all of that, I had decided to take a break from my volunteer responsibilities so I could spend more time with family and with her. I had been serving in the Children's ministry for just over 6 years. After spending that much time in a group, it becomes a part of you - they become a part of your family. It was a tough decision, but the right one. I know it was only for 3 months, but I was going to miss this group for those three months. That had to be why I was sad. I accepted it, got out of bed, made it to the gym and did my normal Saturday routine - gym, run errands, come home, eat lunch, get ready for the day, run a couple more errands, come back home read through the children's lesson, read scriptures and pray, then get ready for church, run to Starbucks then get to church.
I started getting weepy as I walked into the church. It was going to be a rough night. I walked in with one of my friends...she had just received the email that I sent to my group earlier that day...explaining that it would be my last night in Kids Village for the summer. We chatted as we walked to the Children's area. We walk into the double doors and check in...then my children's minister sees me, says hi, and asks how I was feeling about the night. As I told her that I was sad and was going to miss them the next three months, the tears started flowing. We talked a little about my mom. Anne is a special person in my life...she is a year older than me and has gone through similar things with her parents and when mom first got sick she reached out to me and told me about her mom and let me know that she was only a call away. She has always been really good with checking in on me in my role as a caregiver of a parent. We briefly talked about the previous week and I distinctly remember telling her that the social worker told my sister and I that the next time we meet we would need to pick out a funeral home - not that mom was dying any time soon, but just for when she did, it would be a decision we would not have to make. I remember telling Anne at around 4:15pm, "I'm not ready to even think about making that decision." It was time to start walk through (our leader meeting where we walk through the night, before the kids and families arrive.) Kids Village went on as normal. I walked the halls, checked in on my groups, worshipped with the leaders and kids, then during their small group time, the other coaches and I walked the halls, checked our groups, and talked about Texas Rangers. The service ended, kids and families left and we were in between services. I gathered my stuff, put it on the corner of the check in desk and went down the hall to the restroom. My phone was on silent, but I saw it ringing in my purse, noticed it was Silverado, answered it, but they weren't on the other line. Got back to the children's area, grabbed my stuff, and saw that Silverado was calling again. I missed the call, got the voicemail, listened to the voicemail and decided to call back. (It was rare for me to call back, but after listening to this message, I was like, I should just check in and see what she means by this.)
I went to a quieter room, called back, and my body just started to tremble. I got ahold of Rachael and she explained that mom's condition had changed, she was having difficulty breathing, but they had her on oxygen and my sister was on her way up. I told her that I was on my way up...she told me not to panic. I went to grab my stuff, let the group of people there know what was going on and was trembling the whole time. They offered to pray for me but told me that if I needed to go, that I could and they would still pray for me. I took them up on that offer...and ran to my car.
I tried to be calm, but it was hard. Shan had texted me telling me that she was headed up. I responded that I was on my way up there. I told her I would call our aunt. That trip was rough. It seemed like forever, but I eventually got to Silverado...still trembling...scared of what I was to see.
Shan told me where they were and when I got there, a nurse was examining mom in the living room. I sat next to mom, and Shannon gave me mom's hand. A minute later, the nurse took my mom to her room. Shannon and I met up with Rachael and got a glass of wine and talked to the nurse real quick. She said that since mom was eating when this happened, they thought it was an aspiration and that some people recovered from it quickly, others decline slowly, and others decline quickly. We called our grandma to let her know what was going on, then called our aunt to update her. After we made those calls, we want back to mom's room.
They got us two chairs, and we sat next to mom. I held her hand first. It was so hard to watch her struggle to breathe. I didn't know where the night was going to lead us...but I knew it would be a long and difficult night. I sat by mom...told her that I loved her, and that Shannon and I were here...and that I thought she was the greatest mom ever. After a while, I had to go to the bathroom, so Shan and I were going to switch places. I started to let go of mom's hand, and she grabbed my hand tighter...so I sat back down...and told her that I would stay. Shannon went and sat on her other side. A few minutes later, she let me switch places with Shannon.
It sounded like mom's breathing was getting a little better. Shannon said she had not eaten all day and that we needed more wine. So I told her that I would go get some food and she also asked for a more comfortable shirt. As I was in the food line, Shan texted me, "I don't want to scare you too much, but mom's breathing has slowed significantly." I rushed back to them...and got back around 9pm.
They were putting mom on continuous care for at least the night, so her nurse got there right before I returned. He was examining mom and giving her some medicines to make her more comfortable when I got back. Her breathing was significantly slower. Shan and I ate and Shan told mom of some memories she had.
Friends were texting both of us. After checking my texts, I checked my email. There was one from Anne. In the email, she responded to my comment about not knowing how I would be able to walk through all of this. She said that she could assure me that the Father will provide every grace that is needed in exactly the moment it is needed.
It was apparent that it was getting more difficult for my mom to breathe. I sent a text to one of my friends saying that I was scared. That I didn't think that mom would make it through the night. A few minutes later, they gave mom a breathing treatment. I walked into the hallway for a minute while they gave her the breathing treatment. I came back in, she finished the treatment and Shan and I continued to sit with her. About 5 minutes after her breathing treatment, she seemed to yawn. Shan and I thought it was a weird sound, but a minute later, we were like, um she hasn't breathed again, has she. And we both looked at each other so helpless. Shan told me to get the nurse...I didnt want to leave mom's side. I pushed the button...the nurse didnt come, so I ran to the hall. He came back, saw her, listened to her heart and said, "Yes, she quit breathing. I'm so sorry. I have to call the RN back, I can't pronounce her." Momma passed away around 10pm that night. I was shocked. I had never felt to helpless, so scared, it was a different kind of pain.
I called grandma, and our aunt. Then I sobbed. Other caregivers came in. They cried with us, put their arms around us and told us that we were in their prayers. About six hours after I had said that I was not ready to "decide on a funeral home," I was being asked for real, "What funeral home would you like for us to call?"
They gave us several more minutes then told us options. I was still in shock, in pain, and sad. I had never felt so numb.
So, I woke up sad that day for one reason...and went to bed sad the next morning for a different reason. I was glad that mom was no longer in pain...but I knew that I lost a wonderful mother and friend that night....and that it's a pain I will carry the rest of my life.
