This was a very hard and very therapeutic exercise for me. I'm not sure that it completely makes sense, but lately I've had this longing to have a conversation with my mom...to let her know the ins and outs of life lately. I apologize in advance if this is too much to read...or not enough...but felt like I should post it...for now.
Hi Mom. It’s been forever since we’ve talked, but I figured that I should let you know how I’ve been doing the last few years, since we last talked. I don’t remember our last conversation together…but I know it has been at least 3 years. I think you would be proud of me these days.
I’ve quit trying to be happy…rather I’ve started to search for joy. I’m learning that happiness is fleeting and depends on circumstances, and our circumstances are always changing so I’m searching for joy…and it comes from the Lord. He has been my constant, unchanging, faithful when I am faithless. He has protected and provided for me.
I view life much differently now. I want to live it as much as possible, make the most of the days that I have here, travel to as many places as I can, and love others well. I’m learning how to do this as much as possible…it’s a slow process, but I’m trusting the Lord to help me with this.
I’ve changed my diet…I eat mostly organic or farmers market foods consisting of lean proteins, veggies, fruits, and healthy fats. I’m also a regular at the gym. (I know you never thought that would be me.) I was starting to do this the last couple of years that we were able to talk to each other…and have continued it. I’m almost at my goal weight. My “girl days” used to be me unable to find anything to wear because my clothes were too tight…but now my “girl days” are me not being able to find anything to wear because my clothes are too big. (Don’t worry though – I still enjoy an occasional unhealthy meal and love brownies and cookies for dessert.)
I feel blessed to work at a job that I really, really like, but that also, I feel does not define me. I have actually been there for five years this last August. Can’t believe that…never thought I would be there that long.
I’m not sure if you remember this, but I bought my first car a couple of years ago. That was pretty scary…but Civie is holding up well. But I also miss the CR-V. I think I’m meant to be a SUV driver. I remember the first time that I told you that I wanted a SUV and you flipped out…telling me how unsafe they were…but after a little time…you gave in…and bought me my first SUV for high school graduation.
I bought my first house a little over a year ago. I wish you could come see it. I wish that you could have gone around town with me as we searched for the house…I know that you would have enjoyed that.
I know that you always wanted for Shannon and I to be close and be good friends…and we have definitely become much closer the last several years. And I definitely consider her my friend. Mom, you would be so proud of her. She graduated college, and is now on her second post-college job. She’s a successful, hard-working girl. She has two cats…and they are her world. You’ve met them once before…you loved them.
I’m allergic to cats…I had very strong suspicions, but we found out for sure the hard way about six months ago. My air conditioning went out, so I went to Shannon’s apartment to stay the night…I fell asleep and felt that my eyes were really, really itchy. I tried to sleep it off because I was very tired, and ended up getting up about an hour later to find that my eyes were completely red, and swelling up. I moved to the couch and put a wet washcloth over my eyes…by the time that Shannon got home, my eyes were swollen shut and I was having a hard time breathing. Shannon took me home to my hot house (it was 90 degrees at 3am) and helped me open windows (it was 3 in the morning at this time) and turn on fans and get wet washcloths to lay on my face. So, now I don’t hang out around the kitties for too long.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you…Shannon and I are both running our first half marathon this month. We are in the middle of training….it’s almost down to crunch time!! I still can’t believe that I’m doing this…but I’m excited about it…most days anyway. Crazy, huh?
Can you believe that I’m going to be 30 in a year and a half???? I can’t either. My hair is the longest that I think it has ever been. I have decided to grow it out until I’m 30..and then I will go from there…don't worry - I'm still trimming it occasionally, keeping it neat, you know.
I still watch Gray’s Anatomy…honestly that’s one of the only shows that I “commit” to. I remember we used to watch it together…I mean, I was in Lewisville and you were in Wichita Falls, but we’d call each other at the end of the show to “discuss.” I really think they should have a warning these days for those that have a family member that has been diagnosed with dementia.
Mom, I know that I say this a lot…but usually not to you...I really miss you…a lot. I am so thankful for the times that we had together. I have so many sweet memories of you. Losing you is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through and watching you suffer has been the most heart-breaking thing for me. The Lord has been there with me when life hurts and doesn’t make sense….and that has been quite a lot these past couple of years. I just want you to know that I love you, and am so thankful for you, and so thankful that you loved me…that you still love me.
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