Seriously though...its not all it cracked up to be. Its not all that bad either...but come on...
Anyway, I know I havent posted much but right now I really don't know what to say. I feel overwhelmed with all that we have to do. We are looking for assisted living places...which is really hard b/c mom is so young - especially for assisted living, but we really feel that its our best option. Its really hard to make sure all of her bills are paid and all of ours as well. I always feel like I'm missing something. I think one of the more difficult things about dementia is the grieving process. Grieving that your loved one (mom in my case) is totally not the same and never will be and is basically gone, but still physically here and having to take care of her. Figuring out what her living expenses will be is hard too. All while trying to live life fully...so difficult. Just thinking of all that we have to do makes it difficult to even get out of bed.
In other news, I was offered and accepted an administrative assistant position at my current company. I start that position tomorrow and I am really excited about it!!
Its late so I think I'm going to get ready for bed so I can get up bright & early.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Lessons Learned - #1 Pride check
So, when we left the doctor's office on Tuesday, sister and I were confused at what was happening and how quickly mom was responding and ready to leave...so of course we had some questions for the doctor that we just did not think to ask in the moment. Sister was able to talk to him today and here is the first rule of the game:
Rule #1 She is never wrong.. we will have to bite our tongues.
I dont like lying. I'm learning how to be honest, but now...when mom is having an episode...refer to rule #1...she is never wrong and I have to bite my tongue and go along with it.
So...I have this thing w/pride...and I really really like to be right. So...I guess I'm going to have to learn how to go along w/stuff I dont always want to go along with. Basically...we will have to treat her like a 3 year old while acknowledging she is an adult. That is going to be so hard. So....it looks like I will have a lot of pride checks in my future...we'll see how that goes.
Rule #1 She is never wrong.. we will have to bite our tongues.
I dont like lying. I'm learning how to be honest, but now...when mom is having an episode...refer to rule #1...she is never wrong and I have to bite my tongue and go along with it.
So...I have this thing w/pride...and I really really like to be right. So...I guess I'm going to have to learn how to go along w/stuff I dont always want to go along with. Basically...we will have to treat her like a 3 year old while acknowledging she is an adult. That is going to be so hard. So....it looks like I will have a lot of pride checks in my future...we'll see how that goes.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Why does every moment have to be so hard???
i'm not good at this whole writing thing...as you see...started a blog in Aug...and a whole 7 months later, entry #2 comes upon us:
I feel a myriad of emotions right now. and i dont know how to say it w/o just saying it so, here goes: mom was diagnosed with dementia around 3:15pm today. Lewy body dementia to be specific. I wasn't too shocked, as we've known she has had some form of dementia for several months now. Not really relieved either, b/c lets face it, who would be relieved to find out their mother has dementia???
but like i said earlier....flood gate of emotions over here...i'm sad...my plans included my mom watching me grow up, have babies, get married, you know that whole thing...and, well, it doesnt look like that will be happening. I always thought that once my sister and I grew up and got out of the house, she'd start doing fun stuff, like go on trips and join empty nesters groups, get married, and just live that lifestyle. but it looks as though that dream has been shattered.
its hard because my mom doesnt see it (and won't.) She thinks the dr is wrong and that everything is fine and she only has a concussion. Needless to say, she is very mad and thinks everyone is against her. She told us that if we told my grandma or my aunt she wouldn't speak to us again. She demanded to have her keys back and her checkbook - even when the dr told her she could not drive. Its really scary that she thinks that nothing is wrong. Even more so - how she will defend nothing is wrong and her arguements don't even make sense...just adds to the difficulty of the situation. But it is common behavior for her diagnosis. So, what do you do?
I'm scared of what the future looks like for her, and for us. I was told today that our future would be worse than hers. We will experience the side effects far more than she will. I'm scared of selling her house...how do you do that??? I've never even bought a house, shouldn't you have to buy a house before you sell one??? I'm fearful of family attacking each other in the more difficult moments. What if I make a wrong decision? Will I be chastised? I feel as though a weight has been thrown to me that I just don't have the strength to carry.
I'm 26...and am learning how to take care of myself...how do I take care of someone else? Especially an older family member...especially my mom...especially someone who is stubborn. The doctor told us today it's basically like living with a 2-year old, that she will require the supervision of a 2-year old. 2 year olds require a lot of supervision!!! How do you supervise an adult the way you would a 2-year old but still treat them like an adult? When I worked in day care, I was the teacher in a class of 2-year olds...and yes they are hard, and the days were challenging, but looking back, I loved it....but there is a significant difference...a 2-year old child is teachable. You have the hope of "it won't always be like this," they will grow up and its really cool to watch kids grow and learn new skills and develop personalities... but an adult....there is no hope...it will always be like this...or worse. And its your mother...someone who you've had hopes and dreams for, that you wanted to cherish their friendship, that at this point in your life, you want them pouring out their wisdom on life. I'm scared of having to watch her suffer. Its hard enough already. I know its only going to get worse.
so, right now...i'm just heart-broken and hurt. I don't know that I've ever hurt like this before...and I've learned the last couple of weeks, that I truly do not know how to deal with hurt...I think I tend to suppress it until it doesnt "bother me." And Praise Christ that He is teaching me that that is not the correct answer either. But I'm also dealing with the fact that I don't know how to deal with hurt...so thats hard too!!!
So, I'm trying to cling to one of my favorite verses..."Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16 I have to admit though: I'm struggling...not with the fact that God is here...I get that, I get that the Lord is in this situation...but that Jesus is with me and able to sympathize with my weakness....like he is here and he understands....that I don't fully get. I want to...trust me, I do...my head gets it...but my head is so big and my heart is so small....Lord, help me!
I feel a myriad of emotions right now. and i dont know how to say it w/o just saying it so, here goes: mom was diagnosed with dementia around 3:15pm today. Lewy body dementia to be specific. I wasn't too shocked, as we've known she has had some form of dementia for several months now. Not really relieved either, b/c lets face it, who would be relieved to find out their mother has dementia???
but like i said earlier....flood gate of emotions over here...i'm sad...my plans included my mom watching me grow up, have babies, get married, you know that whole thing...and, well, it doesnt look like that will be happening. I always thought that once my sister and I grew up and got out of the house, she'd start doing fun stuff, like go on trips and join empty nesters groups, get married, and just live that lifestyle. but it looks as though that dream has been shattered.
its hard because my mom doesnt see it (and won't.) She thinks the dr is wrong and that everything is fine and she only has a concussion. Needless to say, she is very mad and thinks everyone is against her. She told us that if we told my grandma or my aunt she wouldn't speak to us again. She demanded to have her keys back and her checkbook - even when the dr told her she could not drive. Its really scary that she thinks that nothing is wrong. Even more so - how she will defend nothing is wrong and her arguements don't even make sense...just adds to the difficulty of the situation. But it is common behavior for her diagnosis. So, what do you do?
I'm scared of what the future looks like for her, and for us. I was told today that our future would be worse than hers. We will experience the side effects far more than she will. I'm scared of selling her house...how do you do that??? I've never even bought a house, shouldn't you have to buy a house before you sell one??? I'm fearful of family attacking each other in the more difficult moments. What if I make a wrong decision? Will I be chastised? I feel as though a weight has been thrown to me that I just don't have the strength to carry.
I'm 26...and am learning how to take care of myself...how do I take care of someone else? Especially an older family member...especially my mom...especially someone who is stubborn. The doctor told us today it's basically like living with a 2-year old, that she will require the supervision of a 2-year old. 2 year olds require a lot of supervision!!! How do you supervise an adult the way you would a 2-year old but still treat them like an adult? When I worked in day care, I was the teacher in a class of 2-year olds...and yes they are hard, and the days were challenging, but looking back, I loved it....but there is a significant difference...a 2-year old child is teachable. You have the hope of "it won't always be like this," they will grow up and its really cool to watch kids grow and learn new skills and develop personalities... but an adult....there is no hope...it will always be like this...or worse. And its your mother...someone who you've had hopes and dreams for, that you wanted to cherish their friendship, that at this point in your life, you want them pouring out their wisdom on life. I'm scared of having to watch her suffer. Its hard enough already. I know its only going to get worse.
so, right now...i'm just heart-broken and hurt. I don't know that I've ever hurt like this before...and I've learned the last couple of weeks, that I truly do not know how to deal with hurt...I think I tend to suppress it until it doesnt "bother me." And Praise Christ that He is teaching me that that is not the correct answer either. But I'm also dealing with the fact that I don't know how to deal with hurt...so thats hard too!!!
So, I'm trying to cling to one of my favorite verses..."Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16 I have to admit though: I'm struggling...not with the fact that God is here...I get that, I get that the Lord is in this situation...but that Jesus is with me and able to sympathize with my weakness....like he is here and he understands....that I don't fully get. I want to...trust me, I do...my head gets it...but my head is so big and my heart is so small....Lord, help me!
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