You know how when you were growing up, your parents taught you not to lie. I mean, we all did it, regardless of what our parents were requiring. About 4 or 5 years ago, I just got to a place where I just didn't want to lie anymore. I want to be a person who is completely honest about everything - call things what they are. I don't think that I have mastered this skill - actually feel I'm very far from it, but it is still what I want to be - - a person who gently, graciously calls something what it is. I have found freedom in being able to admit how I really feel, what I really think and just be honest. I have found some healing through Christ by being more honest about who I am and what I think, what I feel, what I struggle with. Slowly, I am wanting to be more honest in relationships (i.e. tell someone when they hurt my feelings - - VERY HARD to do - I'd much rather sweep it under the rug and go on,) in how I feel and what I think. As I imagine my future, I want to trust the Lord to show me how to continue to break this stronghold in my life. If I have a family and kids, I want it to be honest about all things - even on holidays. I know it is naive to think that - especially not having kids right now, but its what I hope for. We'll see how that plays out later...not making a vow to do it - but you can bet I'm going to try my hardest.
Well, with this being a hope for my future, mom having dementia has made me have to learn how to go with what she is saying - even when what she is saying/thinking/doing doesn't make sense (and most of the time, it doesn't.)
Rule #1 in dealing with a person with dementia: They are never wrong!! Where they are in their head, is where they are, and us who can adapt, have to adapt..because the person with dementia can not. Arguing with them makes them angry because, well they are right. So I lie to my mom - - often. Not very conducive in helping me to be the person I ultimately want to be, but this is not about me. I mean I've lied to my mom - a lot - because, well she's my mom - she raised me. When I was younger, it was to avoid being in trouble - which didn't work when she caught me. As I grew older, I lied less often, but when I did, it was more to protect her - to keep her from worrying about me. But this is a different kind of lying - because in her head, I'm not lying. It is similar how we lie to children - "yeah, we'll do that later; no I haven't seen him; oh I know who/what you are talking about."
I've worked with children a lot the last six years. I've "talked" to babies and toddlers and preschoolers...its really weird and heartbreaking talking to my mom the same way I talk to preschoolers. Its awkward when I get called at work from the assisted living place asking me to either bring her stuff or asking if its okay for her to do something. I remember back from my childcare days making similar calls. Its just weird, and hard, and devestating...and I feel so ill-equipped.
I pay my bills and I pay her bills. I try to take care of her house and her stuff and her; when most of the time, I barely know how to take care of myself. I miss her - like really bad. I miss being able to call her and tell her what I was thinking and feeling and listening to her take on life. I never thought I would miss her criticism about everything...but I do. I always thought when I had to go through something like this, I would have been through it with my mother; not that I would know what to do, but that 1- I'd be older and 2- that'd I'd have seen more and know more.
I've cried more these last 2 months than I have in about 20-years...well maybe not quite that long - but I've cried more than I usually do - not a big crier...but it happens occasionally...well lately its often.
I celebrated my 27th birthday this month...she never knew that it was my birthday. It probably wouldn't have been so bad, but mom always made a bigger deal of my birthday than I did. She always went all out on our birthdays...this year...she didn't even know. I cried and grieved and mourned that I would never really celebrate my birthday with her again (at least not with her being cognizant about it) and the fact that she missed my birthday - and am blessed enough to have a friend at church who told me it was okay to be sad about that and grieve that.
This has been a really hard ride...its made me appreciate life more...its been really difficult, tragic, and heartbreaking. The role reversal with mom is insane - nothing can prepare you for that. I am learning more and more each day that life is short...don't waste a moment of it with silly things. Embrace it, become who you want to be, tell the ones you love that you love them and let them know that you appreciate them. Be honest with them - about who you are and what you want to be. I'm still not good at this - but maybe I can start to take baby steps...and we'll see how it goes.
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