I was doing pretty good with this whole "monthly" blogging thing...then August happened...and I've been at a loss for words. And really busy.
This disease is really horrible...I mean, really. I don't know when it happened, but it has...I'm uncomfortable around my mom...like I feel like I'm with someone I know...yet not....it's weird. I don't think you're ever supposed to feel that way around your parents.
I dont see mom as much as I used to...it's just hard....and I feel bad that I don't see her often....but when I'm with her....I just don't know what to do anymore. When she was able to do stuff, it was a little easier...but now that she isn't able to do as much...it's become quite the challenge to know how to spend time with her.
And I still miss her...a lot. I miss seeing her - what she looked like when her hair was longer, the gestures she made, the way she would talk to me, the way she would criticize me...yes...I miss her criticizing me. Who would have ever thought? I miss just talking to her about life. I miss being able to pick up the phone and calling her...like after a hard day and you just want to cry...I mean sob...and know that she would understand...or when you have a good day and you want to celebrate that...or you find out good or exciting news...that was always the first call...and now here....almost 3 years later....I still miss it. I miss her. Her absence is still very much noticed...
I mean, I know she is still here and this is all stuff I could still talk to her about...but it's not the same....like I can't pour out my heart to her like I used to...it's weird to pour your heart out to someone and not know what her reaction will be...will she smile? Maybe laugh? Cry? Be overly worried about me? I don't want her to be overly worried. She obsesses about stuff so easily...I don't want her to obsess about me having a bad day and end up hurting herself.
Speaking of which...she is falling more frequently...which is weird considering she is in a wheel chair most of the time...but still...they keep coming. I hate that part of this disease too...I never know what to say or do when that call comes...because you know its part of the disease, so you know that it's going to happen...but also, you hate that it happens and are concerned because who wants to hear of their mother falling - ever - much less often??
Ok...I think that I'm finished venting...for now....I may pick up later.
