It’s been a minute since I’ve
updated, and the truth is, I’m not really sure what to say. It’s weird…I know
my mom is sick and in assisted living and declining quite rapidly…but sometimes
in my head I find myself thinking that mom is still in Wichita Falls, living in
her house that she LOVED, and working too many insane hours…like she always
did.
But the reality is, she is not
living in her house, and I don’t know that I remember the last time that I
really got to have a real conversation with her…maybe in the Fall of 2007???
I went to mom’s house last week to
start cleaning it out…it was hard…but manageable. I really feel like God really protected me in
that. I’ve been putting this step off…partly
because the first step was to get her settled into assisted living…but mostly
because I hate going to her house…going through her things. As I think about
getting rid of stuff, I feel like in this weird way that I am betraying her. I took her living room set…and while I am
thankful and glad to have it…I would much rather have her.
I’ve known pain before…but never a
pain like this. And the truth about pain
is that it hurts.
I think we always know in the back
of our heads that at some point in our lives we will go through a significant
loss. But the truth of the matter is
that the first time I went through a loss, I always thought that I would have
her to go through the loss with. I never
thought in a million years that the first loss would be her. (Don’t get me wrong, I know she is still
physically here, but our relationship is gone.)
So, in the Spring, my church
offered a Grief Recovery class…so I took it, to help me deal with the grief I
have been going through the past year in losing my relationship with my
mom. It was a very helpful group…and it
was nice to be in a room with people who really know what you are going through…the
mixture of emotions, the heartache, the wanting to be normal again, but not
wanting to forget your loved one, missing your loved one, trying to survive in
the world as we know it, learning to live without your loved one…the list goes
on.
About this time last year, I got
on anti-depressants because I was having a hard time concentrating, couldn’t
sleep, eating was messed up, couldn’t focus, hold a thought for the life of me,
didn’t want to get out of bed, felt numb all the time…the list goes on. After the first 3 months, I got off the
anti-depressants b/c I saw no change whatsoever. The first night of grief recovery, we looked
at all of the things a grieving person goes though, and all of these were on
the list. My doctor asked me about the anti-depressants at my annual and I told her what was going on. She did tell me it did sound like it was more grief related and that just takes a couple of years. So, I’ve learned that some
days, are good….and some days are bad. I
still go through all of those listed above…but its in cycles. I remember this time last year I was just
straight out exhausted all of the time.
But the Lord has been so gracious to me and has allowed me for really
the past several months to just feel rested…even though I wake up every morning
somewhere between 3-4am just thinking about and missing my mama. I learned many other things in grief recovery…more
of which I will post later…but for now I just am learning that God is holding
me through this…He does see my pain…and He cares about the pain…and has blessed
me abundantly and even though I feel alone many times…I am never alone. Jesus knows the exact pain I’ve been through
as He was made like me in every regard so that we have a sympathetic High
Priest. He sees me and cares about
me. And for now, amidst the pain in this
intense house of suffering and mourning…I am just resting in that truth. He doesn’t take away the pain, but He is
holding me through it…even when I don’t feel like He is.
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Update on Mom: Mom is doing okay...she seems like she is in a daze most days. We (mostly Shan) are working with the nursing staff and doctors to evaluate her current meds and see what we can change. She stayed up all night a couple of weeks ago re-arranging furniture...first in her room...then in the rest of the common areas. They seemed overly concerned....my response was..."that sounds like mom."
I'm not convinced that she knows who I am anymore. I think some days she may, other days, not so much. I think she knows who Heather is, but she doesn't know that I'm Heather. I have asked her before if she knows who I am and sometimes she says No...other times she nods her head yes. So, I don't think she is completely there...but maybe heading that way?
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"It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart." Ecclesiastes 7:2
